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  • Writer's pictureHannah Telluselle

Breaking a psychological contract

I just made an insight today, about how I've been affected by a trauma, when I was a little girl, that I'd like to share.

When I was 4 years old, we had been living in Heidelberg, Germany, where my father did research in Ethnography and I attended Kindergarten and learned how to speak German. Suddenly, my mother had to leave with me though, due to complications with her pregnancy. We took the train but ended up on the wrong one, had to run over the tracks in Eastern Germany, to get to the right one, but landed safely back in Uppsala, Sweden. I then was awakened one night, and saw a trail of blood on the floor in our hallway. Mom was on the toilet, and her girlfriend Eva, there to assist with me, called for the ambulance. When they arrived, the staff asked for me to let go of a diaper that I had put on my doll. I didn't want them to take it, but they did, to have as a pad for the bleeding. Then, they took my mother. She had to have an emergency C-section, where she almost died and had an out-of-body experience, that she later shared with me as an adult. I was put on a train, to go live with my grandparents a couple of hours north of us, while Dad head home from Germany. My younger brother Peter was born two months premature.

Now I have realized, that I don't need to help ambulances. My entire life, I have felt drawn to emergencies, often with an inexplicable calm, and both witnessed and called for help several times, mostly with traffic accidents. I have attributed it to the legacy of my grandfather, who used to work as a Firechief. But, instead, this looks like a psychological contract, I've made with my subconscious mind. Today, where I am, someone was picked up with an ambulance this morning, and thus I remembered this.

To break this pattern, this psychological contract, I start with self-compassion, and continue with doing Ho'oponopono (a Hawaiian forgiveness ritual) and from now on, I can disregard all ambulances, if they aren't for me personally. And thus, heal my inner child.

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