Coming full circle
"One night in April 2005, the moon was full, standing over the ocean; creating a light reflection that made all artistic attempts in the posters and paintings reveal their true source. Here was the real beauty. It had become a ritual to watch the sunset almost every night and say my thanks for the day that had passed. In Hawaii the sky seems closer as if it would be possible to actually reach for those stars. A little after midnight this night, when most people had gone to sleep, I sneaked out from the hostel and placed myself under the Lifeguard tower next to Kuhio Beach park, wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and decided to have “the talk” with God, to just sit there until my emotions would subside and I would have the answers I needed. I asked for the reason of letting me go through all these ordeals, for the purpose of my writing, coaching and dancing, for the one common ground I could use it to gain a new sense of purpose for my life.
I suddenly started laughing as I realized the simplicity behind faith as something we can just allow ourselves to feel. I watched the full moon mirror itself in the ocean. I saw my own reflection in others. Saw how the emotion, regardless of which one become reciprocated the same way and how I suddenly felt completely transparent, as if my own self-importance had diminished to feel part of something greater, a tool for the Divine. Hawaii has much indigenous wisdom embedded in her soul and I prayed that there would be a way for these islands to have a leader to promote peace and sustainability where it is most needed. I felt a calling to become an ambassador of Aloha, which in turn reconnected me with the same kind of noble purpose my ancestors had had coming with our heritage.
Everything goes in cycles. The moon and the sun, the seasons, even our watches are based in the shape of circles despite of humankind's efforts to make time linear against nature itself.
My gratitude for these islands is deep and I feel it is my responsibility to share my lessons for others to gain inspiration to aid in healing this Earth. It took me more than three years to heal my asthma, my anxiety and my teeth, to process opposite world-views and to gain momentum to be able to return to Honolulu in 2010, hopefully for good. Many of the people I encountered on my first journey have in many examples, re-appeared. Some of the relationships are forever finished, others are the same, and some has dawned a new beginning. Regardless of what may happen in the future, these meetings fill me with a sense of presence that makes my heart soft and open so that I can find my way back into love, my natural state of being. The greatest gift was finding a way to dance again. Maybe I had that key myself all along, but because my heart felt like a clenched fist for a long time in forever fighting for survival, I didn't realize that I had access to this Divine Light and Love all along. I had just to reclaim my inner child through dancing, playing outdoors, creating and being with others in joy, with less stress and performance anxiety, making me feel loved and safe again.
After a series of Lomilomi massage treatments back in Sweden in 2009, one day I was given the gift of my inner child returning, followed by an integration by one of my new Hula-sisters Kathy two years later. It started with an overwhelming sense of relief as I truly forgave myself and understood how I had betrayed myself. By finding total acceptance and nurturing our bodies to be a healthy home to live in, we can receive and integrate our inner child. I was lying on the bench and my therapist Maria was bending, pushing and rubbing me to my core as I journeyed into my soul and looked for myself as a little girl. I started by visualizing being in a garden. I remembered the luscious garden from a house in Lund where we used to live in my childhood. I led myself down the stairs to the basement and then further down below ground as I let go and relaxed myself to follow my own inner images..." (p. 219-221)
Read more in the book "The Call for Divine Mothering", illustration from video here.