When did I stop reading and seeking esoteric literature? Do I still need it and if not, why is that? It was a matter of heeding the call to heal. To have an existential awareness is essential for us to develop a sense of inner trust. We need to feel a raison d'être that creates a positive propelling forward, where faith comes in as a central necessity that also creates a new perspective. Something that develops over time and with practice.
The other day, I walked into an esoteric bookstore called "Mandala" here in Frankfurt, interestingly the same name as a similar store in Malmö, don't know whether they are related. I soon realized it's been many years since I bought any books or even looked for any. Don't I need this anymore? Have I ever? And is it here I should sell mine?
My spiritual seeking started with an interest in Shamanism and Native American Indian wisdom in the early 1990's. I read books by Carlos Castaneda of course, but liked Lynn Andrews better, maybe simply because of the feminine perspective. I continued with James Redfield, books on energy and gemstones and soon found Shakti Gawain for visuslization techniques and Louise Hay for pairing physical diseases with thinking. Since I always have journaled, I found it inspiring to write down quotes and answer the self-help questions on their exercises. Soon, I authored my own affirmations and chose my top three that I said to myself quietly when I collected energy at the end of my qigong routine. It was a way to still myself, release tough emotions and make room for new creativity to flow, always ready for making a new headline by keeping pen and paper by my bed.
During the years when I focused on learning coaching and studied associated classes at Malmö University, I kept doing mindmaps and my ideas became used in newsletters instead, while I started reading books by Cheryl Richardson and loved the Oprah show and Extreme Homemakeover. What if I could help people do their own life makeovers, just like I wanted a new career? Or should I simply go back to decorating store windows and interiors? Maybe just find more depth and credentials for communication strategies and develop businesses instead if just making fancy ads?
Books about Ayurveda and the Vedic accompanied me through my first years of doing yoga, while contemplative music paired with Shamanic and African drums played in the background.
After my mother had passed away, and I had had several experiences myself that I talked about with my then Master of Qigong, I read several of Paulo Coelho's and Alberto Villoldo's books. I believed in the Great spirit and communion with nature.
In Hawaii, it was time for me to practice all these teachings and form the woman I wanted to be but had lost during the years. I soon realized what I was seeking, besides love, was myself. Many of the healing therapies and Hindu chanting I have tried, have proved to be pointless or even increasing my discomfort and sense of unlayering also that which is good and should be kept. In this world, we must keep our Egos but be aware and not let it rule our life subconsciously. Eventually, I tried Lomilomi and got results together with added prayers and Buddhist chanting, connecting me to compassion in a more mindful way.
I stopped reading others' books when I wrote my own and somehow, it became full circle in 2014, when I started recognizing my old happy and extroverted self coming back among others. I had to first trace my original wounds and patterns and heal them. To do so, we must believe in a purpose and a Divine plan for us to cope with traumas. There must be either an answer to why it happened or a sense of connection to our soul to make it into opportunities to learn and grow from, without falling prey to victimhood. In fact, it's not until we have regained our sense of self, we realize how much victim we have become due to others' harmful words and actions. And to be able to heal, we must have faith. Then all can become applied and all show up in reality instead.