Heavy on the heart
So, while on one of my daily walks this afternoon, I decided to think of my mother for a while. She had breast cancer with other tumours, and passed away this day in 2004. I miss not being able to tell her everything that has happened. It has been so much! I miss having her to comfort me. As soon as I started to tune into this feeling, my heart opened with grief and sadness. But, do I want to feel this way? No, I don't.
I have grieved her for many years now, and the last decade, I've felt it's my turn to have more joy, love and happiness than grief. I'm entitled to a good life, since I'm here. Then it struck me today, how much my thoughts affect my emotions. As soon as I started thinking about something else, the mourning disappeared. In the beginning surrounding her death, I couldn't. I became overwhelmed by tears, both at home and in public. I remember going out to Waikiki beach in the middle of the night, just crying my heart out, a couple of months after her passing. It was a grief not only of my mother, but of having lost myself. Of not being able to live up to her expectations and wishes for her to experience with me. Of a future not shared. But, in this lies also a freedom (like I shared in my book).
Try thinking about someone specific on a day when you feel calm, centred and content. Which kind of emotions surface? What does this tell you about the nature of that person and your relationship with him or her? Something you want more of, or less? This will guide you to set firmer boundaries and teach you how to regulate your emotions better, when you're alone. Amongst others, I prefer sharing and being in how I feel in the very moment they arise. Expressing myself fully. Then I'm done.
How do you feel and why?