Writing down what we think, feel and want to do, as well as about what has been, enable us to release and reframe the past into something more positive and make it possible to move forward with a clean slate. Like so many of us, I too have felt conditioned by my parents growing up and understanding how this has shaped me as a person and the type of relationships I have had and perhaps also how I behave, also enables me to more consciously choose. Sometimes I have behaved completely contrary to my parents inspite just to change the pattern and sometimes I resemble them anyway.
On my first journey to Hawaii in 2004-05 I set out to heal my feminine side (the wounds from my mother emerging a need to redefine and receive love) and on my second longer stay in 2010-12 I set out to heal my masculine side (the wounds from my father emerging a need to redefine and receive security), both through direct experience and faith. This of course becomes a parallel process, also in ways of time and present conditions - to lift it up from the subconscious, communicate and release it, then found new ways that I find more healthy and lifegiving. I send out the intention and let Life show me its way. Here is a recent example of this feeling into process:
On this past 9/11, I made a new realization about my own and others’ coping and healing that shows how PTSD can be turned into something positive in a way that we still can make something good out of something bad. First of all, 9/11 is a date that most of us remember with grief, fear and shock. This in turn has enabled us collectively to open up our hearts to feel more compassion and gratitude for the turn out of the great number rallying to help. I believe that this type of connections we make through moving forward, not by denial or escaping a problem, but by facing our own emotions, reactions and responses, we enable an understanding that also brings forth more compassion when we can relate directly to a similar experience. Naturally, we will always have our own unique experience depending on our own history, education, personality, family, culture, language, age and simply perception, but yet the majority of us share the same emotions at some point if we dare go deeper than the superficial Ego who generally speaking, raises its head with disappointment, negativity, envy, greed, pride or closing up our heart. I received the news that day on a TV-monitor at Malmö Centralstation on my way back to my apartment after canceling a meeting with a medium, actually because of an intuitive hunch that I was called into another direction.
I read a post about “remembering 9/11 2001” on Facebook by a woman from New York called Janessa who offers Pilates here in Stockholm. I have been wanting to practice this to strengthen my core muscles and release tensions accordingly but for a variety of reasons, I have not been able to attend yet. She shared her own memory and I thought of mine.
I thought of the day, how I received the news, and how I instantly emailed my friend Evy who was in NYC at the time with her mother to visit her sister, who lived on Manhattan in a small room attending a design school. Luckily she and her company was OK. She shared how they had planned on going to the mall at the bottom floor at WTC that exact day, but how Evy had made them go back and have coffee first before going there without really knowing why, delaying their visit with half an hour or so - and most likely saving their lives that way through her intuition and God’s guidance. Evy works as a bus-driver down south of Sweden and even crossed the North African desert with the “Pink buses”. We belonged to the same Swedish organization IKU for exchange students in High School. In fact, it was Evy who interviewed me before I left to go to upstate NY in 1988. We have remained friends for many years after that, moving into the same neighborhood afterwards.
I also was in email contact with my former classmate of Ticonderoga, Eric, which in fact I had been just prior during the spring of 2001 about the upcoming Centennial celebration and reunion that I was invited to but couldn’t come to. So wish I had! I visualized myself in a red, slinky dress, showing off my best upgraded self just like so many of us want to, I thought... He responded after 9/11 how he trusted that the US will be swift in their response to the attack and it struck me how fast Americans are to fight back. Is that good or bad? Was it even a retaliation of some sort that would make it worse? And was the attack also not directed to the whole free world in which the United States used to acclaim superiority and boast about it, with little insight from others, such as myself and my peers who most often just get to know US in our young years without the maturity one fosters later.
It also reminded me of my own last visit to Manhattan in 2003 when I was there for about a week to collect some material for my research paper in Workscience by interviewing two Lifecoaches and visiting the Career center for Columbia University as a benchmark for creating something similar at Malmö University in Sweden. I also visited “Ground Zero” and felt the devastation in my body, never forgetting the sot on the wall on a house next to, the visible subway sign, the pair of boots remaining on the fence outside the little church where firefighters gathered and of course the man in a business suit and tie, coming by walking from a busy Wall street, crying next to me by the exhibit. It was also then I suddenly felt pollen allergy, and sort of a jetlag that didn’t budge on the third day that it usually does when I travel. Maybe I breathed in something. It was also during the fall in Sweden weird things started to happen out of the normal conflicts and lessons we all face in life together with the majority of my teeth breaking down while my mother’s cancer worsened.
This past 9/11 reconnected me with my love for the United States, and both the collective grief as well as understanding more of my own former fears of commuting, not to mention being stalked and felt “stopped” from coming on time to many of my meetings. I even recall one time when I later read in the newspaper that someone had become raped in my neighborhood at another day when I had felt this type of Evil attack, making me understand that whether it is a subconscious fear, reaction to a past event or a divine intervention, we must heed our intuition and instincts which often communicates through our bodies and psyche and not go out eventhough reason says yes. Allowing these instincts to surface and become more visible can be frightening but takes us out of victim-hood so we can deal with the actual pain it contains of being one, whether in experience or as a witness. After a good cry, it also brought me back into my own heart with a little nudge from my own supercoach.
The number 911 is to me also Archangel Michael’s date and number - a call for the police and angels. We can remember that too.
Would you like to try the same process in your journaling or through a cosching session?
* Think of a problem, attitude, area, situation, relationship, habit, location or the like you would like to change and improve.
* Why isn't it working?
* What made you behave this way?
* How did you develop this behavior?
* Which are the hidden blessings in it? What did you learn?
* How would you like it to be?
* How would you like to be as a person and what can you do differently?
* Forgive yourself for the past and the other while setting more boundaries that you communicate.
* If possible, initiate a conversation to solve any issues.
* Move forward with more confidence and joy!
If you would like to get some creative feedback in your own life, you can schedule a coaching session with me, either by phone, Skype or in person.
In 2019, I didn't feel a thing about 9/11. Writing about it, released the emotions I had.