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  • Writer's pictureHannah Telluselle


The biggest disappointment we'll ever have, is assuming, or hoping, that others will give us the love and safety we didn't receive by our parents growing up. It's very common to forge relationships with people resembling our parents, or even previous partners. In one way, we are who we are, so naturally we would attract the same, right? Not quite. We're ever evolving, as well as affected by our experiences, culture and norms, where we live, besides our upbringing, so therefore our type of attraction must change too. Most of these patterns come about by subconscious forces, but you don't have to live your life that way.

By becoming brutally honest with yourself and what you really need and feel, you can instead concentrate on getting your true needs met on your own, regardless of your relationship status. For example, if you're an introvert who need some alone time to process your meetings, you can adhere to that by your own doing regularly, and thus become more present and more eligible for more intimacy, after doing so, besides tending to physical needs in terms of sleep, nutrition, water, having a good home, nice clothes and gentle touch. This is what I refer to as self-parenting.

Start by looking into what you think you didn't receive, or feel, from your mother. It can be not feeling loved, having loose boundaries and having to take on too much responsibility too early, like it was for me. The best remedy for this is thus not seeking to receive validation and love from your girlfriends or partner, but to remind yourself of your value and worth, setting and respecting firmer boundaries, and let go of any imposed projections of guilt.

Then, look into what you think you didn't receive or feel from your father. It can be, not feeling safe, rushed, judged and belittled, like it was for me. Maybe it's something else for you? The best remedy for this, is thus to ensure more safety and allowing yourself to collaborate more than to solemnly rely on yourself, although independence too can be a strength. It can be to reward yourself for your accomplishments, and rather compare yourself to those lesser than yourself than those better, to not diminish your work. We can all do better, but this doesn't mean that we didn't do enough, when we tried our best.

If you have any siblings, you can compare yourself with them, but might just find that they have another experience than you, or developed other ways of coping and compensating. My younger brother, for example, has always been good with money and always has enough. I take it, it comes from not wanting to have to struggle like my mother did with him, after my parents divorced and I had moved to the United States to be an exchange student, and later left home and started working. I have lived with another type of trust and flow, since I didn't live alone with my mother as long as he did. But, usually never having enough. I however, have never felt poor either.

Now, remove all these layers of conditioning, at least in your own imagination and dream your own infinite possibilities of doing and being what you desire. Visualise how you'd like it to be and creating yourself anew from this vantage point: becoming part of self-actualisation and healing your inner child.

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