How much should we engage in others?

Last night I watched a woman talk on Instagram about recognizing four levels of engagement when it comes to how our perspective is being treated in our conversations, and thus ultimately in our relationships. She proposed that we either feel unwelcome with little interest being shown to our input, feel tolerated but often with a passive aggressiveness that doesn't feel honest, or we can feel engaged with, whether we agree or disagree. At best, we feel cherished, where our perspective is even sought after and really taken into account. This is what creates a sense of psychological safety.

This can be applied both in our workplace, where it's easy to discern whether or not our perspective is treated as an asset, or simply with credibility and respect, or rather ignored whether by office politics or just tolerated out of politeness. To retain a good employee, as well as feeling good about staying yourself, is a matter of feeling cherished. This can be applied in our private relationships as well.

I realized that these four steps can also be a way to measure our own level of engagement with others as a tool to see what we really feel and are doing and how. On a professional level, such as when working as a coach with clients, we naturally can engage a lot, without getting that in return. However, it should go without saying that the level of engagement must be mutual for a private relationship to grow into a commitment. Whether we choose to or not, can likewise depend on a multitude of factors, but nonetheless if both aren't willing to engage equally much or with equally genuine interest, the relationship becomes lopsided with one dominating the other, or one needing the other more, making it unhealthy unless both want to remain in those roles and positions. Furthermore, I think this is both relevant and possible to see and do in our online communities too. We all seek actual caring, not to just have, or be, fans.

You can find the post on Instagram here.