Speaking with presence

When I was a young adult, I often felt inclined to think about what I was going to say before meeting with someone. Likewise, I often questioned what had been said and done afterwards, and of course how. This could both be to share my love, and to question someone, possibly creating a conflict. Both these things show the same weakness. When we prepare what to say in our normal conversations (not lectures and presentations) and then do, we miss taking into account both how we feel ourselves in the moment, but more importantly how the other feels and if the timing is right. My mother in particular, didn't acknowledge how I was feeling or what I had been going through in my workplace or studies, when she talked to me. And likewise, I could come prepared to a meeting with for example a guy I liked, and then feel that the vibe was totally off, completely stifling me. Through this, I learned to be more attentive to the emotional cues and unspoken body language, tone of voice etc, and instead answer to these.

This is one of the personal reasons why learning how to coach became so important. The only way to neither feel ambushed, nor offensive, is to decide beforehand together what should be talked about, when and where. In coaching, we talk about how the clients sets the agenda. This way, there is never any power plays about who is to be in charge of the conversation and for what purpose. We decide that together beforehand.

To discuss something, whether personal behaviors or events that has transpired, the same can be applied in our personal relationships. We can decide beforehand when to talk and about what, and most importantly ask the other questions and be ready to answer theirs. If we, generally speaking, would have more open and direct dialogues like this, I think many conflicts could be avoided, and of course we'd have less misunderstandings. How do you do it? Do you listen first and think about what the other has said and done or do you always react in the moment? What do you prefer and how?

The purpose of a dialogue is to coherently clarify, or to solve, a problem.