Yesterday, I was on the receiving end of another let-down by the Swedish Supreme court, who still refuses to try any of my cases, especially the one concerning their label of insanity based on falsifying facts about my education, prior sick-leave and other personal things. Things that are all easy to prove, although they, who accuse me, should be the ones showing evidence of their statements. Anyhow, this made me feel ill to my stomach again, a deep sadness creeping into my bones, and a rage I don't know how to express, with their lack of respect for me. Which in fact, also is lack of respect for the Swedish court system and the right to a fair trial.
I had hoped to practice Hawaiian Hula last night, but couldn't bear myself to, too busy having to respond, appeal, resend and so forth. What is it that I am doing, that has to be stopped? Eating healthy? Sleeping night-time? Applying for jobs and performing freelance assignments? Practice yoga, qigong and dancing? Going to church? Writing about myself in my blog and books? Using my education to help others? Creating ideas to solve problems, such as immigration detentions? Advocating for Human Rights? Flirting with attractive men? Eating chocolate? Paying my bills on time? Declaring my taxes? Seeking therapeutic counsel to solidify my actual diagnosis of PTSD, sleeping disturbance and phobia? Doing laundry, cleaning my apartment and watering my plants? Reporting intrusions and stalking? What is it that I'm doing that must be stopped? Apparently having my say in the media, I've understood. Because self-help, healing and Human rights are not interesting? Or sharing how it was living in Hawaii?
Later at night, I sat down in my couch and decided to listen to the current song that I'm practicing a choreography to, when it hit me. Because I was feeling so sad and upset about yesterday and my destroyed life in Sweden this past decade (and longer), it enabled me to land deep into my heart, from where I should be dancing Hula. Did I leave my heart in San Francisco? One would think it'd be Honolulu, but when it comes to myself, which is quite new to me to just be focusing on myself and not anyone in particular, it was my visits to San Francisco in the 90's that made me feel inspired to pursue an actual move, to the United States.
So, right back at you Sweden, you just enabled me to tap into this emotion for real.