All my life, whenever we were supposed to lay down to relax at the end of a practice, I would just start laughing and feel light as a feather, rather than heavier and heavier as the teacher would guide us. I'm guessing, I rather left my body, than stay put in it.
This has to do with having to be on alert, to be prepared to defend myself, so many times, both literally physically, and verbally. It has to do with being assaulted as a young adult, being threatened at home, and because of authorities trying to kill me in some way, shape or form, such as removing my ability to pay rent and buy food for years on end. It never faults. This past Friday, I woke up happy, looking forward to the weekend, after having endured a difficult dentist appointment the day before. I relaxed, thinking I now could look forward to getting my check in full finally, next week, and just take care of my laundry. But no, the social worker again asked me to submit the exact same information she has received already in April, May, October and two days ago. All to harass and suspect me of fraud, because I used to have my own little business in 2001-2006 in Sweden, terminating my business license in 2008. SIXTEEN YEARS AGO. Yet, I have to certify this three times a week? To be punished and questioned for trying to work? And then as this wasn't enough, I also had to deal with a prosecutor once again folding my case against my stalker.
Daring to relax, has come to the forefront also more recently, as I've started attending adult swim-classes for beginners like me, with a history of fear of water (due to almost having drowned when I was 5 years old), where my own rescue, is to learn how to relax laying in water, in order to float. Little by little, I'm daring. Holding on to a teacher, letting go of my grip at the pool. Just even trying to, is huge progress for me.
Also today, when I was at my next dentist appointment, I was told to relax my jaw again and again, coming to realize I wasn't even aware that it was clenched. Another thing to practice. To not let my thoughts race with fear, to accept my body's reflexes, and trust in my own ability to calm myself down. And, today, I didn't need to take the extra sedative. A small victory, not visible to anyone but us in the office. Nonetheless, too lifegiving, and important.
Nobody wants to fight all the time. People not understanding their own provocations, or simply not taking responsibility for how they've harmed me, is the hardest thing to let go of, not knowing if, or when, they will attack me again. But through my faith and my peace, I take to nature, to soft movement, and deep breaths. And daring to relax, for a moment at the time.
Soon, I hope, I can move forward with my plans.
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