Missing a community

None of my old girlfriends in Sweden have bothered to contact me since I came back. I tried a couple of times but nobody returned my calls and in two cases my communication was cut off weirdly and blocked in the middle of us catching up on Messenger and on WhatsApp some years ago. I don't know what their game is, or if it's my stalker's doing, but I've come to realize that I most often tend to socialize with others through a certain context, such as getting to know someone through work, studies, dance classes or church. If I stop attending either, usually my friendships have lasted beyond these, but why bother if I'm always the one calling? And this even during the periods of the year that I do have a stable financial situation. Most of the year I still don't, which makes it impossible to plan anything, but nonetheless I'm just a phone call away. And I bet the authorities would never have dared treated me so badly, if I had shown up with a gang of friends. So, who knows, maybe the authorities are worse than the stalker, with their attempt to paint a false and bad picture of me?

On the other hand, reconnecting with people I've met in Hawaii takes less than a second. Connecting through live memories that affected us deeply in various ways, across the globe and online. While I've grieved a lot in Honolulu, it still flungs open my heart wide open and thank God for that, giving me a sense of belonging not so much in place as in life itself. It makes me see how many Swedes are missing out on what is really real, clinging to their careers and their chase after "experiences" in a superficial intellectual kind of way, but never daring to really relate. Why would I settle for that, when I already know there are so much more?

We can't go backwards, only forward.