A childhood effect
Today, I made a new insight that I'd thought I'd share here and how it came about. After I had taken this photo, thanks to a kind guy passing by out walking with his Siberian Husky. I rolled up my lambskin and thought for a second about that I have had to send another back, right before I became homeless in 2009, and how my first lambskin was given to me by my father for Christmas, when I was five years old, together with a small sleigh.
I have been laying awake many nights without understanding why, but often coinciding with expecting a parcel from an order I've made online. It hasn't felt depressing at all or so that many assume, but more like having to be on alert. And, I've wondered about this since at least 2014. Voila! At the same Christmas, when I received the slay and lambskin, I had just learned to read my own name. I had gotten up really early, before all others and opened all the packages with my name on underneath the Christmas tree. (Traditionally in Sweden, we exchange Christmas gifts in the late afternoon or evening of Christmas Eve.) I then had proceeded into my parents' bedroom and said thank you for all the things that I had gotten, whereupon my mother became furious, rushed up from bed, forced me back into my own bunkbed and spanked me. I even have an actual memory of this.
So, the insight is, that I probably dread - conditioned the same way in my muscle memory as Pavlov's dogs - whenever I'm about to get something that I really want and is mine, that it's going to come with a punishment. In order to solve this, which I don't know yet if it will have an actual effect on my laying awake, but nonetheless important for my peace of mind, and the healing of my inner child, I'll do Ho'oponopono on this situation, ie the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer.
We don't have any Banyan trees in Sweden, but oaks are nice too!