I want to find my natural weight and be fit and healthy. I don't care so much about what the scale says, more how I feel and look like. I am for example, totally happy with my hair, face, underarms, calves, boobs and butt. And as long as I still have my waist and can pull in my stomach, I feel there is potential to get it back to being as flat as it has been before, actually my entire life. Unless, I was too skinny before, and simply have to find something in between. That is my goal.
I did gain weight once before in my life, when I was an exchange student in Ticonderoga, NY 1988-89, I gained about 10 kilos (20 lbs) then. When I returned to Sweden and changed back my eating to what I used to before, I lost most of it naturally. So, I hoped the same would happen this time, after being released from the psychiatric ward, where I was held for two years and gained 20 kilos (40 lbs), and also underwent surgeries for other things, wherefore I couldn't exercise the same. But, not quite. It's important for me to not deny me any food, since I've had problem eating before, but I can make smaller portions, perhaps. Most of all, it's a matter of moving, I take. I used to walk great distances, when I lived in Germany and Portugal before this, and haven't as much now. I hope to though, when it becomes warmer again, and for a positive purpose, not mere survival.
Having a healthy weight, is also a matter of feeling safe, I think. Safe literally, that is, besides being allowed to sleep and eat properly, so I can work-out.
What is a healthy weight, without dieting? To me, a size Medium would be. I used to wear Small, now I wear Large.