My secret vow
I guess you might wonder why I don't have children of my own. While life has thrown me some curveballs, it also has been a decision of love.
It was when I was 24 years old that I noticed my behavioral patterns. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and miscarried, when I made a decision to not have children, until I could be sure that I wouldn't just continue with how I was brought up. To a certain extent, it might be necessary to engage in relations that resemble our parents in order to heal those patterns. But, I believe that we also can heal better alone, to really get in tune with who we are and can be, so that we're grounded and centred enough, to not fall back into patterns. To grow from what works rather than to fight against what isn't.
I also felt early growing up, that it is selfish to have children. That there are already so many children out there who don't have parents, or need new ones, that we should take care of those first, before resorting to have a mini-me for the sake of showing them off as signs of how loved we are. So, it's not that I don't love children, it's actually the opposite. And they usually love me too.
My hope is rather, that I can be an extra mother to children, who might have had to go through a gruesome divorce, like I did growing up, or lost their mother, so that my experiences can be a source of real empathy, to be carried out as compassion.